Compassionate Communication Improves Relationships

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Compassionate communication focuses on honestly expressing your feelings and values, and being able to empathetically listen. 

 Observation 

 Making observations involves describing the objective, factual elements of a situation without any judgment. It focuses on what can be observed rather than assumed or interpreted, which can sometimes be incorrect. Reserving judgment can help prevent defensiveness and gives your partner room to open up to you.

 Instead of: "You always ignore me."

 Try saying: "I noticed that during our conversation yesterday, you were looking at your phone and weren’t responding to me." 

 Feelings

Identifying and expressing your emotions can help you understand yourself and connect with your partner. It can help your partner understand your experiences and recognize your needs. This process involves exploring how your partner’s words and actions affect your feelings; says Silva. However, it’s important to take ownership of your feelings, rather than attributing them to your partner. 

Instead of: "You make me angry when you cancel plans." 

Try saying: "I felt sad and disappointed when our plans got canceled because I was really excited to see you." Nonviolent communication is a communication strategy that focuses on honestly expressing your feelings and needs to someone, and being able to empathetically listen to theirs. 

Values 

Introspection can help you understand your deepest values. Once values are identified, it’s important to express them without blaming or criticizing the other person.

Instead of: "You never spend time with me." 

Try saying: "I need more quality time and intimacy in our relationship." 

Requests
Making clear, specific, and doable requests allows you to ask your partner for what you need. The key is to express your request for what you need instead of making demands or complaining about things you dislike. We can mitigate conflict and misunderstandings by approaching requests from a needs-based perspective rather than demands.

Instead of: “You never have time for me.” 

Try saying: "Could we do date night this Friday? I would love to spend some quality time together." 

 Learn to Listen

 It’s important to learn how to listen to your partner without interrupting, judging, or reacting to what they’re saying. Often, we are formulating our thoughts rather than fully listening to our partner’s experience. Compassionate Communication requires us to slow down our exchange and suspend interruptions, and become an objective witness to our partner’s experiences and feelings. 

 Pause Before You Respond 

We’ve all lashed out at our partners in angry in response to our own feelings of hurt. Pausing before you respond and taking a moment to regulate emotions to respond in a calm way, instead of reacting out of anger or defense. Compassionate communication gives you the ability to listen in a way that suspends reactivity. Instead of responding to a situation angrily, it’s important to take a step back and consider your response. By stepping away, you notice your feelings, identify your needs, and make reasonable requests. If you feel pressured to respond, ask your partner for a pause in order to formulate a heartful response 

 Avoid Judgment or Blame
Some of the negative communication patterns that people develop are based on blaming or criticizing partners rather than sharing their feelings. Statements like: “You don’t listen to me” or “You are scaring me” put the other person in defensive mode. 

 A more effective technique is the “I” statement. This technique can diffuse conflict because it puts the onus of responsibility on the speaker instead of the receiver. Take the “you” out of it, your partner will be less defensive and more receptive to hearing what you have to say. 

 The experts share some steps you can take to cultivate nonviolent communication skills: 

•  Practice compassion: We often apply critical thoughts, blame, and self-doubt in our relationship with ourselves. By learning to think and react compassionately toward ourselves, we improve the way we respond to our partners. As a starting point, she recommends observing your words, thoughts, and feelings, as well as how you respond to them.
•  Work on being more empathetic: Being empathic, accepting, and supportive can help you change your communication style, says Silva. “You can practice empathy by mentally placing yourself in your partner’s experience of that moment, to understand how they might be feeling.

 Benefits of Compassionate Communication

•  Increased self-awareness: Practicing nonviolent communication can help you become more aware of your feelings and needs. 
• Greater honesty and intimacy: Nonviolent communication creates an ambiance of listening that is less emotionally charged, more neutral, more grounded, and therefore, more honest, more connected. 
• More intentionality: Responding thoughtfully instead of reacting emotionally can help you be more direct in your communication.
• Less conflict: While aggressive or demanding communication can put partners on the defensive, compassionate communication can diffuse conflict.  It promotes empathy and helps you and your partner see each other’s perspective.
• Increased compassion: Nonviolent thinking helps you be more compassionate toward yourself, your partner, and the world in general.